homecoming
by danisha sparks
Summary: pagan, after years of abscence, comes back to new york and is reunited with her newsie pals and clears up some unfinished business with one newsie in particular
1. in which pagan and zoe are given a warm ...

Note: I'm new at this, so have mercy. My newsie accent is really rusty cuz I've been outta circulation for a really lone time, much like my character. Back in '94, (when I saw newsies for the first time) we didn't have the internet in the Philippines, so it's only now I discovered there are plenty of newsies fanfic. ( it would have helped me had we had the net at the time.sigh)Here's one I wrote, inspired by alla youse out there. :) crutchy fans, please don't kill me, he's quite absent in my story.  
  
" time came for us to choose  
it would've come sooner or later  
when it came   
we were crying  
but those days are long gone.."  
- "those days", Cynthia Alexander  
  
  
two girls dressed in pants were sitting on a bench in central park, smoking as they talked while they watched the city wake up. Under their eyes, enormous bags were beginning to form. Both hadn't had any sleep at all since the long hitchhike to new york city but they had wanted to catch the sunrise before worrying about a finding a place to rest. The sunrise had been worth it, and now they settled back as the day unfolded.  
  
" how much money we got?" Zoe, the one in the red plaid shirt asked. It was starting to get warmer so she took it off. Underneath she was wearing a black shirt which she'd torn at the sleeves. A policeman that passed by looked at her suspiciously as he caught sight of her tattoo of a sun and moon on her upper arm.  
  
The other girl, Pagan, who despite the temperature was still wearing her coat, reached into her pockets to count their money." Hey I found two bits," she said, surprised, as she pulled them out. " I think I still got 3 bucks in my can. I'm all outta cigarettes though. Mind if you spot me one?"  
  
Zoe reached into her satchel and produced a slightly crumpled but still perfectly intact cigarette. " we got enough for a coffee, then?"  
  
" I know a place where we can get some for free," pagan smiled. " but we'd have to wait a while til the nuns get there."  
  
Zoe looked at her sideways. "nuns, pag'? sure they won't recognize yah?"  
  
Pagan snorted. "that was ages ago," she said, shaking her head.  
  
In the distance, they could hear the newsies start singing out their versions of the days' headlines. "here they come!" pagan said, mostly to herself. She wondered if she would run into anybody she knew. In the pit of her stomach she could feel a sort of excitement building up. Who would she see first after all this time? Racetrack, mush, skittery...? Would any of them still remember her?  
  
Zoe let out a low appreciative whistle as she spotted a newsie nearby. "hey that one's kinda cute," she remarked. "how'd yah stand it, pag' , bein' so close to muffinheads like dat?"  
  
Pagan had to laugh. "really, zoe," she said. " when you gotta woik, you hardly notice." Sometimes, she added silently to herself. It was a tiny lie, of course. Having crushes on your fellow newsies was one thing, yelling it out like a headline was another. This was a truth pagan still couldn't admit to zoe. You just had to play it cool. You had to focus. You had to be better than any of the guys, even, to get their respect. That was the way pagan preferred to play it , even back when she was a newsie. A newbie, she recalled. She'd made up that term to describe herself, when she'd started out.   
  
Again, zoe whistled, but it was to beckon the newsie over. " I wanna see if he's as cute up close," zoe shrugged.   
  
The newsie ran over to them. To zoe's delight, he had been as cute up close. He was about 13, with light brown hair, blue gray eyes and a delicate mouth. "buy a pape, lady?" he asked.  
  
"lady?" zoe snickered at what she'd just been called. " first time I been called that!" she reached into her pocket." Hang on while I find some coins."  
  
Still lost in her thoughts, pagan hadn't noticed the newsie's eyes dart around her face as if trying to place her. Finally, zoe pulled out two cents and handed it to the boy. " yah gave me extra, miss," he said. " it's a penny a pape."  
  
Zoe waved her hand out. "ah, keep it," she said. " seein's as you got such a sweet puss and all?"  
  
Sweet puss? Pagan thought, snapping out of it.  
  
The newsie smiled handsomely. "t'anks, miss!"  
  
Pagan stared hard at the boy. Did she know this newsie?  
  
"what's yah name?" zoe asked boldly.  
  
Before the newsie could answer, pagan jumped up. "Les Jacobs!" she yelled.  
  
Startled, les turned his full attention on paga. He was momentarily befuddled. Then- " well I gotta be eitha dead or dreamin'...Pagan?!"  
  
Zoe looked on as the two whooped with joyous recognition, spat on their palms and shook hands vigorously.  
  
"how ya been, kid?" pagan asked as she swiped at les' cap affectionately. " you've soitenly grown up!" all of a sudden, her old way of talking caught up with her, as if she never left at all.  
  
Les blushed. "aw, pagan..." he started, his voice breaking in embarrassment.   
  
For a few moments, they stood there, looking at each other, muted by the unexpected reunion. Neither one of them knew where to start or how to proceed. Les had never been that close to pagan; it had been his brother david and the older newsies, but still, he remembered her.  
  
Zoe cleared her throat. Pagan turned to her. " oh, hey, this here's my friend, zoe."  
  
"hi les," zoe said.  
  
" hey," les answered, blushing to the top of his head. " hey," he said, remembering. " some of the guys are getting' breakfast at bottle alley. They'd be there, most likely. I can't talk long, got a bunch more tah sell!" he smiled apologetically and tipped his cap to zoe. As he started to walk away, he called out, "if you have the time, drop by the house tonight!"  
  
"okay!" pagan called after him. " carryin' da bannah!"  
  
"carryin' da bannah!" les answered, before rushing off to sell his papes.  
  
  
  
" as I live an' breathe!" mush yelled upon laying eyes on paga, who was now busy making her way through the crowd of newsies and bums assembled to receive breakfast from the nuns.  
  
"wha-?" kid blink, the fellow with the patch over one eye, pushed his way to where mush was standing.  
  
"ya gotta be seein' t'ings, mush!" kid blink scoffed. " dat ain't her!"  
  
" yeah, keep tawkin, blind boy!" mush shot back.  
  
"hey!" blink was about to come up with a scathing remark of his own until mush cut him off.  
  
" I'm tellin' youse it's her!" he insisted. "jus look hardah!"  
  
blink squinted. Cheezit, it sure ain't easy with a patch ovah yah eye alla time, he thought. Then, realizing mush had been right, yelled, "say! It is pagan! Hey fellahs! Ovah here!"  
  
skittery and racetrack appeared by their side. " what's all dis shoutin' about, huh?" he asked. He's just polished of his half cup of coffee and was now lighting up his first cigar of the day. Skittery was at a loss for words and was tugging incessantly on racetrack's shirt.  
"look!" he finally managed.  
  
"whatsa matta wit'chu? ya look like ya seen a ghost!" racetrack said. He followed the direction of skittery's finger.   
  
"quit pushin'!" skittery yelled at mush who was now climbing up some crates. They followed mush's lead and began calling out for pagan.  
  
" know those guys?" zoe asked, tugging on pagan's sleeve.  
  
The newsies swooped down over pagan and tried to hug her at the same time. From the looks of them, they haven't changed all that much. Pagan couldn't decide if that was good or bad. Blink was still prone to go a little ballistic, Mush maintained his splendid physique ( and was still wearing shorts). Zoe was already oggling him, in fact. Skittery kept his depressed look about him, but hugged the tightest and race...well, racetrack was looking at her the same way he had some years ago when he'd guessed her secret.  
They'd have plenty of time to talk later, but for now it was wonderful seeing them all.  
  
As zoe and pagan took part in the newsie breakfast of a piece of bread and a cup of coffee, updates were produced in the from of one sentence summaries. Pagan understood they didn't have a second to spare even for a friend they haven't seen in a long time; but they made plans to meet up later in the evening.  
  
"why doncha stay at kloppman's tonight?" skittery asked.  
  
Pagan started to protest that she wouldn't feel right taking space there, considering she stopped selling papes a long time ago. " it wouldn't be fair to the otha newsies," she began. "to the newer ones anyway. They'll all be wonderin who I am."  
  
"you kiddin'?" blink shot shrilly. "youse a newsie troo and troo!anyway, anybody dat give yah a hawd time, we soak 'em!" and he punched his fist into his palm for emphasis.  
  
"yeah, pagan, come on," mush said. " we knew yah can't stay away f' too long! Alwayd knew you'd come back. Why jack-" he shut up abruptly, as if he'd brought up something he wasn't supposed to.  
  
Luckily, racetrack covered for it with his smooth timing. " we ain't takin' no for an answer, pag'. Ya know we ain't takin' no. 'sides, you and friend'll be welcome to stay there." He rolled his eyes. " it's yah home, f'cryin' out loud!"  
  
Mush and skittery put on their caps soon as race settled it. They still didn't know why, but if there was anybody who could convince pagan, it was race. It also semed to work the other way around. " see youse, pagan, zoe." Skittery said, before joining mush and kid blink.  
  
Racetrack flicked pagan's chin. " doncha worry 'bout jack y'heah? He ain't gonna know youse in the city. Youse gonna show up ta'night and let 'im know f'yahself."  
  
Pagan nodded. That's what I'm afraid of, she thought.  
  
  
( to be continued...)  
  
  



	2. in which racetrack wins a bet...for once

  
  
Note: this story is a bit messy, and I kind of wrote it in a stream of consciousness kind of way, editing only as I type. ( and anudda t'ing, I really don't remember if the newsies lodging house has a ledge or not. I have several scenes that take place on the ledge.) oh, and by the way, to all destiny's child fans, my apologies, I kinda used their name here, as an "archival" reference. I have nothing against this group, but I hope fans won't be too offended if I used the name as a...well, you'll find out.  
  
Interlude:  
  
" would it be all right for me to ask about jack?" zoe asked later in the day. Since the name had been brought up earlier, pagan had become distracted, as if she'd drifted off to some private flicker show in her head that she played over and over.  
  
Was he still so much in her system after all this time?  
  
" I have told you about him before, haven't I?" she asked innocently.   
  
" yeah, but it seems like there's more to him than just being your bunkmate, pagan," zoe pointed out.  
  
Pagan reached into her pocket for a fresh cigarette. " okay, zoe." She said. " got a light?"  
  
2.   
" a night like any other  
lying in the darkness  
the clock tickin time  
to your breathing  
you turn your back to me  
you must be dreaming  
ruby, lemon and blue  
tangerine, green  
purple psychedelic  
dream in universal color  
while I lie awake with I-N-S-O-M-nia..."  
- "insomnia", Cynthia Alexander  
  
  
it wasn't because pagan wasn't tired- that couldn't be it. She'd been walking all day in the hot sun selling papes, of course she was tired. Her feet ached, her throat felt torn, her arms felt like blocks of cement. It was past midnight, and yet, she couldn't fall asleep.  
  
Around her, her newsie pals slept soundly. If most of them snored, (mush in fact was one of the loudest snorers in history), well, they certainly deserved to snore if they wanted. Hell, it wasn't the snoring even that was keeping her awake. She was used to that. Ever since she realized that...no! she wouldn't even allow herself to think it.   
  
Something close to guilt seized her throat, making it harder for her to breathe. She found the darkness suddenly stifling. Guilt is, has always been and probably always be my weakness, she thought. She toyed with the little gold crucifix she wore around her neck on a chain, a reminder from years ago. This is why I left, she thought.. Because I don't deserve to feel such guilt.   
  
But here she was again, feeling guilty just for wanting something...somebody actually.   
  
She heard his footsteps come up the stairs. In the darkness, she followed his shady figure move across the room. He was humming softly to himself, even as he approached the bunk above hers. Hoisting himself up, the bunk shook gently. His weight shifted the mattress over her. Holding her breath, pagan realized that she could feel him breathing. She swallowed.  
  
" pagan?" jack whispered all of a sudden, cutting into her thoughts, an intrusion into her sheltering darkness. She felt singled out, but was pleased he called out to her. " youse asleep?"  
  
debating with herself over whether to answer, or to pretend being asleep, pagan turned on her back. Jack's head suddenly appeared from the side of the bed down to hers, just to make sure. "youse asleep?" he asked again.  
  
She feigned grumpiness. " not anymore, t'anks tah you!"  
  
" you're welcome!" jack whispered back. "' ey, I ain't seen yah awl day. Where yah been?"  
  
" oh, me and race were coverin' midtown, " pagan answered. " how'd you make out today?"  
  
"not bad, " he said. " hoid yah brought in a hundred."  
  
" yeah, I did," pagan said.  
  
" nice!" jack said, maybe a little too loudly.  
  
"SHHH! Ya bums!" came kid blink's unmistakable voice. " get some sleep a'ready!"  
  
"don't pay any attention to him, " pagan said. "rough day."  
  
" well, we awl had a rough day, pag'," jack whispered back. Silence. Then, "hey, what do yah say we sell tahgedah tamorrah?"  
  
for lack of a wittier comeback, pagan could only be honest. " you and me?" she said dumbly.  
  
Jack hardly noticed. " yeah. You, me and davy," he said. " I bet between us we could move 400. so how 'bout it, pag' ?"  
  
" sure thing cowboy," pagan said, pretending to be all casual, like.  
  
" swell, " he said, retreating to his own mattress.  
  
Pagan covered her face with her pillow, as if the other newsies could see her blush in the dark.  
  
  
  
  
  
Almost every night, pagan, racetrack and skittery could be found sitting on the ledge of the newsies lodging house having a smoke. Racetrack couldn't get to sleep without one last cigar. Pagan and skittery preferred cigarettes, but like race, practically got the shakes if they didn't have at least one before bed. There weren't really any rules at the lodging house about smoking ( except of course the one about not burning the building down) - some of the other newsies smoked right in their beds. However, these three preferred the ledge, where they could smoke, talk and look up the stars at the same time.  
  
  
Race puffed on his cigar and unfolded his tote sheet. " ey, who yah t'ink I oughta bet on dis time," he began, perusing his list of " sure things". " true love or destiny's child?"  
  
Why should they even bother answering? No matter which horse racetrack bet on, he was most likely to lose all his earnings at the end of the day. But after a while, pagan answered, "true love," but I won't be surprised if she ain't gonna come through!  
  
Skittery said nothing. Race nodded, without taking his eyes off the sheet.  
  
"man I'm beat!" skittery announced. Yawning, he stubbed out his cigarette with his shoe. " I'm toinin' in or I'm gonna fawl off dis ledge." He stood up to leave. "see youse two in da maw'nin." He said as he ducked back in through the window.  
  
Racetrack folded back his tote sheet. " I know somet'in about you," he said, mysteriously.  
  
Pagan rolled her eyes. " care tah wager me on dat?" she cracked.   
  
" why not?" race shrugged. " If I'm right, you spot me my papes tahmarrah,"  
  
dis is nuts, pagan thought, what could race possibly have on me? unless...nah, come on! This is racetrack! He never wins any bets. " okay, " she said. " I'll bite."  
  
" no lyin' now, " he said. Pagan shrugged, still playing it cool. To make sure, racetrack spat in his palm. Dammit, pagan thought. What is this? Still, they spit-shook.  
  
" so what is dis t'ing yah know about me?" pagan asked, knowing for sure she'd painted herself into a tight corner.  
  
" youse in love wit' jack, aintcha?"  
  
pagan choked on her cigarette. "what?" she said, as if it was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. "race!"  
  
Racetrack cautiously looked through the window behind him to make sure none of the other newsies came out to check on them. " youse in love wit' him, aintcha?"  
  
Pagan said nothing. She could feel blood rising to her cheeks.   
  
Racetrack was giving her a smug grin. " I knew it," he said. " I could read youse like a tote sheet, pag'."  
  
Pagan's arm suddenly struck forward and hit racetrack squarely on the arm. It must have hurt, because racetrack's face contorted in pain, but no sound came out. She didn't mean to punch him that hard, really. She only meant to punch him in that little sister pissed off at a pesky brother sort of way. " now dat hoit," he finally said.  
  
" but how..." She began. Then it hit her. If race knew, then did everybody know too? She panicked. " aw...race! Who else...?"  
  
"relax, kid," race said. " nobody's tawkin' about it. Dat's good sign, I t'ink."  
  
"sweah tah me yah won't tell no one," pagan said.  
  
" well dat depends," he started. " how much can yah pay me tah keep me mouth shut?"  
  
the last remark earned him another sock in the arm.  
  
" I was only kiddin!" he said.  
  
" well don't a'right, it's makin' me noivous!" pagan said. She looked away. Shame washed over her.   
  
Racetrack gulped. Did he go too far?  
  
" ya wanna know somethn' else though?" he said after a few moments, in a more serious tone.   
  
" youse gonna tell me anyway," pagan said. " it ain't like I got a choice race, knowin' youse!"  
  
" da trooth is..." he started. "I t'ink you two are poifect fah each udda."  
  
Despite herself, pagan was glad to hear this. She looked at racetrack. To be sure he wasn't lying, she spat in her palm. " no lyin' now."   
  
Racetrack smiled. Getting up to leave, he said, "yup ,tahmarrah's gonna be a good day, " he said. " free papes coitesy a' pagan, ladies and gentlemen! Got a hot tip, what more could a newsie want huh?" he started to duck throught he window. Halfway through, he stopped. " true love, 'ey, pagan? Always lets yah down, but yah nevah stop believin' in it."  
  
( to be continued)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. in which we learn a little bit about pag...

The way jack saw it was, it made no difference to pagan if she went around the city alone or with a whole bunch of them. Pagan's a floatah, he thought, as they went around manhattan selling papes. She got along well with any old group- sometimes bummin' around with racetrack and skittery, sometimes sustaining long conversations with david, and he heard that she sometimes went to Brooklyn to see spot as well, although she never mentioned the nature of that relationship and jack wouldn't dare bring it up with either of them. She liked to be all over and she didn't go around playing favorites or nuttin' like that. A damn good woikah if theah evah was one, he added to himself. She sold papers like a hurricane, sometimes she would disappear from his side and reappear like she never left. Jack had always respected that in pagan, and moreover the fact that she didn't gain her newsie skills from him.   
  
She knew a lot of things about skittery, and seemed to genuinely like being around him even if he always went around being glum. Jack could only get so much of the guy, even if he was his friend. Just that skittery was always too...heavy for him. Too jaded. Pagan didn't seem to mind.  
  
But what did jack or any of the others know of her? They didn't find her in no alley, that was for sure. She just...sort of happened.  
  
Jack checked to see if she was at his side, and wasn't surprised when he didn't see her there. But, seeing where he was heading to, didn't find this strange.   
  
Church. that was one fact the newsies knew about her, as far as he was concerned. She never went. She never wanted to hear the word, she never wanted to be near them. Hence, the nickname.   
  
" well, what are you, an atheist?" david asked her once.  
  
To which pagan said, " just because I don't go to church doesn't mean I am."  
  
David had remarked that he's been surprised she even knew what the word "atheist" meant.   
  
Smart like davy, jack though to himself as he absently handed a pape to a man just stepping out of church.   
  
He shook his head to himself, as a thought occurred to him. Selling with pagan was great because they covered so much territory in half the time, and...? And what else? What else, cowboy? He thought, trying to bully himself into some kind of acceptable answer.  
  
Before the obvious could hit him over the head, pagan smacked him on the arm, falling into step with him. David was with her. He and jack exchanged knowing smiles over pagan's head. David saw the church too, and decided to go along with pagan to the other side.  
  
David had to admit, at first he didn't feel comfortable with pagan. He didn't know her that well- she was really more of racetrack and jack's friend. However, he found her to be...well, smarter than the other fellows. She was somebody david didn't have to keep introducing things to. He could talk to her about books- actual ones, not the ones bought at a five and dime; and she would never miss a beat. She wasn't any slouch when it came to literature and things like that, even if she did talk like the rest of the lodging house newsies. She held her own, even if most of the time, they disagreed. Insight, david thought. That's what she has. He had to admire that.   
  
When most of their papes were sold, they stopped for a bit to rest. They realized they haven't talked much during the day, even if they did agree to sell together. Lost in our own thoughts, david thought.   
  
" okay, you guys, " pagan finally spoke up, breaking the silence. "you haven't spoken a woid all day." Except to shout out headlines, neither one of them said much during the day. It wasn't an uncomfortable or awkward kind of silence, it was more of a heavy, "I'm thinkin'" kind of silence.   
  
Jack and david looked back at her apologetically. " yeah," david said. " we have been a bit spaced out, haven't we?"  
  
Pagan nodded, as if understanding the whole thing without having anything explained to her. Why does she do that? David didn't know it, but jack was asking himself the same question.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When all papes were gone, they went to irving hall to see medda. Pagan didn't really like the lady, especially that perfume she wore, but she went because she liked the darkness of the theatre. And some of medda's acts were pretty good too.   
  
On the way, she and david were arguing good naturedly about "Dracula". He found it disturbing but she had argued that Dracula was just a soldier whose heart was broken. When david and pagan started talking like that, it was usual for jack to have a hard time keeping up in the conversation. except for a few wisecracks in between, he said little. those two couldn't help bein' so smart, jack observed. Rather than feeling like a dope, jack felt the opposite. By listening he actually learned a lot and it fascinated him that discussion produced such excitement for david and pagan.  
  
" it's a metaphaw, david," pagan said, stressing her point. "I'm sahprized yah even missed seein' dat!"  
  
metaphor. It was scary the way pagan threw around words like that. Jack vaguely knew what it meant, but it wasn't a word he of used in his daily vocabulary.  
  
"ah-hah?" david scoffed. " you're weird, pagan. really weird."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
When they started for home, it was after dark already. David and pagan left irving hall still talking, but they weren't arguing. They were raving madly about the musicians medda had auditioned that day. A young Indian girl named Cynthia blue cloud. David had been ecstatic and pagan walked as if still hearing the music in her head.   
  
Jack and pagan didn't go straightaway home though. They decided to take the long way home around the city. Even though she was tired, pagan jumped at the opportunity to spend some time alone with jack. it was getting cold anyway, so a walk would be good.  
  
" you didn't think Cynthia was pretty?" she asked him, rubbing her hands together for warmth.  
  
Jack shrugged." She is, but she's more of david's style."  
  
"really?' pagan said. " I thought she was beautiful. Like she could do magic. maybe she's a shaman."  
  
" what, like a witch doctah?" jack asked.  
  
" sortah," pagan said. Pagan was glad jack didn't seem to find cynthia pretty. At least I don't gotta to be jealous of her, she added to herself. She shivered.  
  
Jack glanced at her." Hey," he said. "you cold?"  
  
"not really," she said, trying not to shiver or show any weakness, but it was really getting cold.  
  
"c'mon then," jack said. Breathing into his palms, jack rubbed them together and then placed both his hands on either side of pagan's face. His fingers covered her ears in his attempt to warm her. She looked into his eyes, and jack smiled back at her. Once more, pagan shivered, but not from the cold.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. in which the question is answered but st...

Note: I noticed the last chapter was a bit low on the action part, but I hoped it clears some stuff about pagan, but at the same time raising more questions.  
  
  
Back at the lodging house, racetrack was waiting for pagan and jack to return. Blink had told him they'd been selling papes together that day. Well, race thought, I'm happy for yah, kid.  
  
Jack and pagan returned in time for supper. Racetrack watched as jack and pagan strolled in the dining room. Jack's arm was slung over pagan's shoulder in a casual way. This caused racetrack to raise his eyebrows, but he noticed that his was not the only pair that was raised. A few others were watching jack and pagan as well.   
  
" what's up wi't jack? is he makin' da moves on pagan, now?" mush commented.  
  
"ah, ya know jack! he don't mean nuttin' by it," it was skittery, as always serving as the dissenting, cynical voice. The look in his face said otherwise, though. He was just as curious.  
  
Racetrack was about to comment, but remembering his promise to pagan, held back. Besides, she did buy him his papes.  
  
"hey! Dey looks nice tahgedah!" mush said, bringing racetrack's unspoken words flying out into the air.  
  
"hey fellahs," jack said as they approached the gossiping newsies. He dropped his arm and they both took a seat with them." What's on dah menu?"  
  
all of a sudden, they all forgot about it. "rice and beans," mush answered. " gee, I hope it don't make me fart or nuttin'!" mush was always worrying about things like that.  
  
" ah,yes," pagan said. " magical beans. dah more yah eat, dah more yah toot!"  
  
jack scratched the back of his ear. " I dunno 'bout you bums," he said. " but I'd ratha toot dan be silent but violent if yah catch my meanin'."  
  
The newsies howled. Pagan shook her head inwardly. So much for my romantic hero, she thought, but couldn't help but join in on the laughter anyway.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jack and pagan slipped into the routine of selling papes together. Racetrack was starting to miss seeing her during the day, but was happy that it seemed the two were getting closer. She never produced updates for racetrack's benefit, and racetrack didn't pry.   
  
  
  
Jack and pagan were sittin below Horace greeley's passive stare when jack noticed the gold chain around pagan's neck. " what's dis?" he asked, reaching over to tug at it. He half expected her to stop him from pulling it out from under her collar, but pagan didn't stop him. He held in his palm the tiny crucifix attached to the chain. He raised his eyebrows.  
  
" I know, I know, " pagan said, without a trace of being defensive. " it's ironic, ain't it?" she gave him a somewhat sad smile. " fah someone who don't believe in choi'ch?"  
  
"I'd say," jack replied, still turning the cross over in his hand.  
  
" it's a remindah, " pagan said.   
  
" a remindah f'what?" jack asked, even more surprised that pagan was even volunteering this kind of information. He felt privileged in a way, like claiming something of hers the other newsies couldn't.   
  
pagan started to say something, then changed her mind. " things," she said. " it ain't f'religious poiposes. More of...ah...sentimental."  
  
The nearness of jack's hand on her neck made her aware of their proximity. When he tucked it back in for her, making contact with the delicate skin, she took in a breath. A sharp one.  
  
They sat there a bit longer, saying nothing, just letting the silence wash over them. Finally jack opened up. " Ise wanted to run away to dante fe not long ago," he shared.  
  
"what kept yah?" pagan asked him.  
  
Jack gestured, as if to encompass the entire city, of which his universe was made of, and was so much a part of him." Realized my family was right heah.i came dis close though." And he raised two fingers up. He leaned his head back on the base of the monument. " still I wondah what it's like. An open road...an endless sky..." he trailed off. Then, "one day befoah I die at least, I just wanna see what it's like out deah,"  
  
"yeah?" pagan answered. Why was jack baring his soul like this to her? she didn't know what to say, except for maybe what was in her heart. "well, we should go, huh?" she said, taking a chance, her heart beating madly in her chest, like anytime it might explode. " one'a dese days?" she looked up at him.  
  
Jack leaned forward. " yeah," he said. " you an' me, pagan. We should defa'nit'ly go. Just you and me."   
  
Pagan was about to spit on her palm when jack beat her to the punch. "whaddaya say we makes it official?"  
  
" to santa fe," pagan said, pressing her palm to his.  
  
  
  
  
Back at kloppman's, jack and pagan's newsie pals were busy making their tandem a topic for discussion. The newsies didn't want the pair to know they were being talked about, so they took to gossiping about the nature of their closeness when both weren't around. Which was actually not very hard to do.  
  
"anybody seen pagan?" it was racetrack who unintentionally opened the topic by asking the question.  
  
" she's wit' jack. as usual," kid blink answered, with emphasis on the last two words. " seems tah me, they's spendin' mostah deah time tahgeddah,"  
  
" correction," skittery put in. "alla deah time."  
  
By now, a small tight circle had formed around poor racetrack, each with nhis own opinion about jack and pagan.  
  
"what'ya t'ink, race?" mush aksed eagerly. " are jack and pagan goin' tahgeddah?"  
  
" ah, what is dis? yah bums should reconsidah writin' for dah gossip column at dah sun!" he said, as he busied himself with his totesheet, signaling the end of the conversation.  
  
The newsies loudly objected to this. They have been all noticing things and they wanted to find out if their observations matched. They wanted to find out more.  
  
" so what's dah score, race?" blink pried. "come onnnn! You must know someti'n about it."  
  
Racetrack threw down his totesheet. " oh do I?" he said. "what'chu guys t'ink I am?"  
  
Skittery shook an accusing finger. "are youse hidin' sometin'?" he asked suspiciously. " yah ain't tellin' it like it is."  
  
"ansah dah question, race!" blink said. A chorus of "yeah!"s bombarded racetrack.  
  
He was caught in the crossfire all right. He rolled his eyes, feigning boredom. The newsies all spoke at the same time, reinforcing their own theories about jack and pagan.  
  
" remembah when dey walked in de udda night?" mush recalled, as if remembering past events would prove them right. he got up to demonstrate. " he even had his arm around her and all?"  
  
" i really tawt somet'in was goin' on then!" blink agreed. " and deys always last tah come in at night!" he added.  
  
" jack and pagan are definat'ly tahgeddah," mush proclaimed.  
  
dat's it, racetrack thought. i bettah put an end tah dis! " yah bums are stawtin' tah sound like a bunh'a old ladies yakkin' behind people's backs!"  
  
the newsies grudgingly broke it up. racetrack sat back dow. he'd defended pagan without rtevealing anything, at least. but in spite of it all, he had to admit his own growing curiousity.  
  
what was going on between those two?  
  
  
  
  
  
all were in their beds when jack and pagan returned. they were both very tired and so went straight to bed. they'd been making all sorts of plans about their trip out west that they lost track of the time. kloppman reminded them that they'd both missed thier supper. he knew there was something going on between those two, but from the looks of it, they haven't admitted it to each other yet. in due time, the old man thought. he'd seen a lot of that kind going on around the lodging house, and knew it was always best to leave the newsies to their own affairs. the old man was quite accustomed to it by now. kloppman was sure they didn't notice him giving them a knowing look as pagan and jack walked up the stairs.  
  
  
"good night, pagan," jack whispered as soon as he settled in. he lowered his hand over the side of the bed. pagan reached out hers so that their fingers touched. she said nothing as their hands continued to flutter over each other for some time. it was the slightest touch, but it sent shocks of electricity straight to pagan's heart. jack gently stroked her palm, traced the length of her fingers, as if trying to understand her through touch. their fingers interwined, laced and unlaced in the darkness, filling the silence with unmistakable meaning. finally, she whispered, "good night, cowboy."  
  
from their own beds, the curious newsies had one each one eye open to see the whole thing. they silently watched the intimate scene, not one of them daring to make the slightest sound, not wanting to intrude, as they all pretended to be asleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. in which a wound is dealt

Interlude:  
Zoe was transfixed by pagan's story. "whoah..." was all she could say. When pagan mentioned jack to her it would always be in anecdotes. This was the first time pagan had really talked about him, or her life before they became friends. Of course zoe knew pagan had been a newsie, but pagan had never revealed that they were an important part of her life, practically her family.   
  
Zoe had no idea jack had been that special. All pagan had really said about him was that he was her bunkmate and selling partner. Zoe had always suspected pagan had had a crush on jack, but now she knew that they weren't talking in terms of crushes, or flings that lasted a couple of days or weeks. This wasn't even about months. This was about years.  
  
" so what happened?" zoe asked, knowing there had to be more to the story for pagan to have bristled at what racetrack had said to her earlier. It didn't seem as if pagan was looking forward to seeing jack. It seemed more like she was scared. " what happened, pag'?"  
  
pagan sighed. " trouble."  
  
  
  
5.  
  
jack was coming home from the jacobs' when he noticed a fancy black carriage was parked in front of the lodging house. Whatevah it is, I didn't do it, he thought grimly, ready for some kind of accusation to be hurled at him. Stealthily, he made his way to the side entrance. From where he stood, he saw a couple of stern faced old nuns standing behind a gaunt man, who was speaking in whispers with kloppman. Racetrack was close by, the color drained from his face, and fidgeting around as if he didn't know whether to get away or to stay to hear what was being talked about.  
  
What's goin' on? Jack thought. Someone die? Jack crept in. neither kloppman nor the strangers paid any attention to him, but still, the outsiders were a signal that something was terribly wrong.  
  
"race," jack said, his mouth set in a tight line.  
  
"wheah's pagan?" racetrack hissed fiercely. "why ain't she wit' youse?"  
  
he pulled jack away from earshot of the uninvited trio.  
  
" what's goin' on is what I wanna know!" jack said loudly. He didn't like the confusion and the panicked look in racetrack's eyes.  
  
"shhh!" race said. " keep it down, jack! Wheah is she?"  
  
jack tried to think. " I ain't sure," he said. " she left with skittery owahs ago,"  
  
"deys lookin' fah her," race whispered. He glance briefly at the nuns. " let's go outside."  
  
As they made their way back out, jack tried to catch kloppman's eye, but the old man avoided his searching look.  
  
Once safely out of sight and earshot, racetrack began talking. "dis don't look good, jack. Deys been heah a long time, askin' around fah pagan." He shook his head, avoiding jack's eyes.  
  
Jack must've closed his eyes because his world had suddenly grown very black. Blood rushed to his head. "why?"  
  
" kloppman," racetrack struggled to get the words out. " he ain't tellin' 'em nuttin' jack, jus' like he done fah youse...he ain't...but they found her...days sayin'..."  
  
"calm down race," jack said, fighting for some control against this downward spiral of terror in his heart." Tell me. Ise lis'nin. Ise lis'nin."  
  
"she's sick, jack," racetrack spat out, as if he had to tear the words from his chest painfully. "she's..." he stopped, as if pulling the words out were slashing his tongue into ribbons.  
  
"what yah sayin' race, dat she's dyin'?" jack couldn't imagine it. "naw! dat's gotta be a lie!"  
  
racetrack was shaking his head miserably. He couldn't bring himself to be the one to tell jack what he'd just heard inside.  
  
The nuns and the gaunt man brushed past them to leave. Racetrack turned around so they wouldn't see the look in his face but jack followed the man with daggers in his eyes. Klopman had walked them out. The old man walked with exhaustion in his step. He was hunched over in worry, but his relief was also apparent that the "guests" were finally leaving.  
  
"we'll be in touch," the gaunt man said in a chilling morose voice. He reeked of death. Nobody said a word until the carriage melted into the shadows and the horses' hooves faded into an echo. Kloppman stared seriously at jack. " let's talk," said the old man.  
  
  
  
  
  
"they had papers with them. Hospital documents," kloppman said, sighing, like he didn't know how to fix this. " I didn't wanna say nuttin'," he said helplessly. He met jack's gaze levelly. " my foist priority has always been to protect you all." He said it as if to pre-empt his next statement. "pagan's a good goil."  
  
" pagan's MY goil," jack said, choosing to say it out loud, for it was one thing he was certain was still true. He wanted to hang on to that, because it felt like everything he knew to be true was now spinning out of control. " what dey want from her?"  
  
" somet'ins wrong wit' her, jack." Kloppman paused. " she's got problems."  
  
" yeah, well allah us got problems!" jack shot back.  
  
"you know what I mean, jack," kloppman said wearily.   
  
"dat's a lie!" jack said angrily. " dere ain't nuttin' wrong wit' pagan! She's fine!" disgusted, jack ran out of the lodging house.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Pagan and skittery did not return to the lodging house that night. Jack looked all over the city for her without luck. When the sun rose, he was still wandering around.  
  
  
Angry. Confused. Hurt. Helpless. Broken.  
  
Why was pagan sick? What were the scars she was hiding?  
  
The rising sun had never felt as cold and metallic as that morning. The first light mixed the cold of night and the heat of morning in a most uncomfortable way . brightness offered him no sympathy. Daylight was supposed to make the darkness disappear, but instead, the light pushed the shadows back into jack's heart.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. in which scars are revealed

Note: this is actually my revised chapter 6. my original chapter 6 was too dark, and I was getting carried away. But in case you're wondering what the first 6 was like, please let me know and I will e-,mail it t you.  
  
" we are slaves to the crimes we commit  
in fits of passion  
we shame."  
- Cynthia Alexander  
  
Interlude:  
  
I'm disease. Pagan thought.  
  
she looked up from the black of her coffee to zoe. " I didn't even get to tell him goodbye."  
  
  
  
6.   
  
"pagan."  
  
David Jacobs did not hesitate to embrace a long lost friend, especially one that until now, he thought had died. " come in," he said, ushering her inside the small but neat apartment. Everybody had already gone to sleep, except les, who even asked pagan if zoe was with her.   
  
" sorry to be dissappointin, but zoe went her own way, and I went mine, but tell ya what, I'll let her know yah asked." Pagan told les, as she laid down her heavy pack on a chair. Les blushed and retreated to bed. To david, pagan commented, " he's so tall now."  
  
David had to laugh. " yeah, but it's still same ol' les."   
  
They knew they had serious matters to talk about, years worth of news, so they went to the fire escape.  
  
" so, how have you been?" david asked.   
  
" a lot better," pagan said, thinking about how she should start explaining herself and why she just suddenly disappeared. But she couldn't yet, so she decided to wait until david asked the next question and she would take it from there.   
  
He didn't waste any time. " we thought you died, you know."  
  
Pagan nodded. " davy, " she began, swallowing. " I need yah help. This is why I came tah you foist. You'd know what I should do."  
  
" we'll figure something out," david said. This was about jack, of course. It couldn't have been anything else. " why'd yah leave, pag'?"  
  
" I was so messed up, davy," pagan said. " none of the udda guys knew it, well, skittery did, but..." she trailed off, and pulling up the sleeves of her shirt, revealed  
ugly bruises on her inner arm, like somebody had brutally stuck needles into her. " this was why."  
  
David couldn't take his eyes off her arm. Then, remembering the time skittery, spot and pagan had brought him along one of their "trips", david wondered why he didn't see it coming.   
  
" it was hard, davy," she began. "trying to stop. When I escaped from the hospital I thought I could do things on my own. Thought if I just woiked real hard, the pain would go away. Then I became a newsie and I was good at it, but all that walking was just a way to get me to stop thinking about taking a hit. But during the night...it just sometimes got too hard...I wouldn't be able to go to sleep cause I wanted a hit real bad."  
  
david listened carefully and he hoped without prejudice.  
  
" the only thing that made me stop wanting to was thinkin' about jack. "  
  
"keep going," david said.  
  
Pagan sighed. " wanting things, david." She shook her head. " always made me feel guilty. At the hospital I just wanted to die. People like me, dave, this is a disease we have, but the doctors didn't know how to fix it."  
  
"I thought everythin' was okay when jack and I started going tahgeddah, but..." she trailed off. " it wasn't enough. I didn't want him tah know, besides."  
  
"then skittery almost died, and that's when I decided I should leave. At the same time I found out some people from the hospital came round the lodgin' house. If they caught me theah,everyone'd be in trouble-I didn't want no one to be involved with my mistakes. It hurt but I decided to get some help."  
  
" you went back to the hospital?"  
  
" a different one, yeah. It was hard looking for one that wasn't the same as the one I left, but I did it." Pagan said.   
  
" so you're fine, now?" david asked.   
  
" I take it one day at a time." Pagan said. " but not a day goes by I don't wonder about jack. I loved him, davy. I still do, but I ain't sure if he would want me aftah what I done." She shrugged. " I just didn't want him mixed up in dis, y'know?"  
  
"he went lookin' for you," david told her. "when you left. He went crazy, pagan. He almost went catatonic. You just disappeared without a trace. No word, nothing." He stopped talking, because he was having hard time controlling all those feelings they'd buried for so long. " I'm not blaming you, and I'm not mad, but I hope you understand when I say you hurt us all pagan, when you did that. And I'm sorry but I hate you for it."  
  
Pagan didn't know what to say. Yet she knew she deserved every word david had told her. It hurt to hear it, but pagan knew that a true friend always stabs you in the front. " join the club," she said. " cause I hate me for it, too."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. in which pagan comes out of the shadows

Note: this is almost the end now, and I am currently battling myself over how to end it.  
  
  
  
David agreed to accompany pagan to the lodging house. Things had to be straightened out and he and he wanted to help set things right. On their way there, pagan was tightly hanging onto his hand and was allowing david to lead her along. David had never seen her so scared before. She was just like a little girl being led towards some kind of great unknown. Hesitation was the rhythm in her step. " maybe dis ain't such a hot idea, davy," she kept saying every ten paces or so.  
  
"either we do this or we don't, pagan," david said sternly.  
  
  
The lodging house didn't change much except for a few more loose boards and chipped paint. Pagan stared at it, her heart filling up with an intense longing to be inside, on her beloved ledge with racetrack and skittery.   
  
David was saying something to a distracted pagan. " now, you saty here and I'll go inside and get jack, okay?"  
  
"hm? I'm sorry, what?" pagan said. Davis simply raised his eyebrows and the look in his eyes was telling her to focus. "okay, mouth," she said resignedly.  
  
David sighed. Okay, he thought. Let's get this over with. As he walked towards the lodging house, he wished things would go back to the way they were- jack and pagan still together, pagan and david finding new things to debate about and pagan, showing anything except surrender.  
  
  
  
  
Pagan prepared for the worst as david went up to get jack. She didn't want to come up- she didn't want the other newsies watching while she made amends. finally two figures emerged from the building. The first was david, and following him was jack. Pagan's heart jumped to her throat and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. The closer they came, the harder it was for her to breathe. So she stayed in the shadows.  
  
" so what was it yah wanted tah tawk tah me dat can';t wait til mawnin?" jack asked david. David peerd into the shadows, like telling pagan this was the time to come out.  
  
Leave it to david to orchestrate a dramatic confrontation, pagan thought. Here goes...  
  
The look jack had on his face when he saw her sliced her in two. Recognition clouded his eyes as he stiffened. Pagan dared not speak. Her legs had turned into feathers encased in boxes of lead. Jack slowly walked up to her. The closest they had ever been in years.  
  
" jus like dat, huh?" coming face to face with jack himself overwhelmed pagan. His presence...she'd almost forgotten hoe much of her being his presence filled. Pagan trembled visibly, and she literally had to hold on to herself to keep from shaking. She felt exposed and naked.  
  
" youse lucky youse a goil, pagan, " jack said in a vicious tone. "cause I ain't nevah wanted tah saok no one the way I wanna soak youse." With that, he shook his head and walked away from her.  
  
"jack!" it was david.   
  
Jack held up a hand to stop him from saying any more. " dis nevah happened, dave." He said. " so I'll fahget about it."  
  
  
From the ledge of the lodging house, racetrack and the rest were watching the whole thing take place.  
  
" betchah 50 cents theys get back tahgeddah ta'night."  
  
Skittery shook his head. It would be an easy bet to win, but he didn't feel right, knowing that there would be pain involved.  
  
Nobody took racetrack up on his bet.  
  
  
When jack returned to the room, it was unnaturally quiet. A contrived silence, actually, where the guys either pretended to be asleep or nonchallant. Jack took one look at tem and knew they knew. But they didn't mention it, and neither did he.  
  
  
  
Jack falls into a restless dream-filled sleep.  
  
He dreams of a desert and cacti- the santa fe of his thoughts. Above him is a brilliant blue sky, shooting stars everywhere, visible even as the sun shone down on him.  
  
The sun...jack looks up to see it has turned black with intense heat. He walks on, he walks forever until he collapses from exhaustion.  
  
Jack wakes up inside a tent. He is lying facedown on the prickly sand. He sits up.  
  
There is a girl sitting on the other side of the tent, her back towards him. He can hear her crying softly. Jack reaches out, grazing her shoulder with his shadow.  
  
He is standing in front of her. Jack touches her cheek. Instead of tears, there is blood in his hand. He stares in horror and sees her chest- a gaping hole of pitch black. Her arms are riddled with scabs. She opens her mouth and spits out needles. Her teeth are blades.  
  
" I am a soldier whose heart is broken," she tells him.  
  
A deafening sound is heard, and jack steps back in time to avoid being crushed by an oncoming train. The girl is obliterated into a thousand pieces. He backs away, into a bottomless cliff. He is falling...falling...  
  
  
With a start, jack woke up. He was sweating and his face was wet with tears. Forgetting himself, he thought that pagan was safe sleeping on the bunk below his. Whispering her name, he reached out over the side of the bed for hers, but no hand came up to touch his.  
  
  
  
  



	8. in which hearts and bones are laid to re...

Note: this is the conclusion to the story. Thanks for following this little first story attempt! Maraming salamat...  
  
" I have seen, I have been to places   
far and deep in my mind  
only to find  
comfort in your strangeness."  
- cynthia Alexander  
  
  
jack decided to get out of the lodging house to clear his head. He had to make sense out of that horrible dream and what had taken place earlier in the night.  
  
It had been years before jack had recovered from the blow of pagan's disappearance, and after that, had been resigned that she had died and left it at that. He never mentioned her name, and when the other newsies talked about her, they were careful never to bring her up when jack was present. David had been worried that jack had been permanently damaged by the incident, for he was never quite the same jack. now that he knew for sure she was alive, he was flooded with feelings of betrayal. Her absence was now even harder to explain than ever, something he wasn't prepared to face.  
  
Jack was about to fly out of the lodging house when he saw pagan crouched by the door. He couldn't just jump over her, so he knew he was in a compromising spot. Either that or go back up. It was fight or flee, and jack was no coward. Pagan felt the door open behind her. she raised her head and saw jack standing there. She got up.  
  
"what yah doin' out heah?" was all jack was able to say. He was about to brush past her, when pagan spoke up.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Jack stopped in his tracks.  
  
" I'm sorry. I know you hate me, and I'm sorry," she said. " I wound everyone I love."  
  
Slowly, jack turned around, but made no move to come closer.  
  
"you were the last person that deserved to get hurt. I understand if you never want to see me again because it's my fault. But I couldn't live with myself not telling you I'm sorry." This time it was she who took a step back, for she didn't want him to see the tears that were now forming in her eyes.  
  
"oh, pagan," jack said, not trusting his voice to go above a whisper. "why'd I lose yah?"  
  
hearing him say that, there was no way pagan could stop the tears from spilling over her face. A great flood of years of loneliness and emptiness broke free from somewhere inside her, coming out in huge sobs- so huge, it hurt her chest. Yet she must release them or else it would destroy her.  
  
she felt his arms go around her. " we was supposed tah go tah santa fe, remembah?" he said, still softly. " I died when you left. How'd I lose you?"  
  
" I was dying from an addiction, " she said. " I was trouble for all of youse. I would rather have left than to lie to you."  
  
" what about the truth?" jack asked, pain in his voice. " why didn't yah think I wouldn't understand?"  
  
this only made pagan cry fresh tears. Because I was weak, she thought. Because I was sick. Because I was scared. Oh, jack, hell was everywhere without you.   
  
For what seemed like an eternity, he just kept holding her. somehow it didn't matter to him anymore if she ever answered him or not, what was important was that she was here, now, alive and in his arms. He had almost lost her again that night, with the things he said, but he only said them because of the shock of seeing her. he never meant to turn her away. He never meant to say he didn't care she was standing in front of him. He never meant to say he didn't love her. because he did love her, and that had to be enough to make her stay.   
  
I've been everywhere, seen so many things, but what I need the most is right here, pagan realized.   
  
" come on, " jack said, drying the tears from her face. " home's dis way."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
